It’s been some time since I have updated the blog. I could probably get away with blaming the hiatus on a major career change, or possibly use my need for family-time as a possible reason. It’s a stretch, but I could probably even blame it on sheer laziness; too many irons in the fire. If I could be completely honest though, those excuses only make up for about 6% of the reason. No, if I were to be completely honest, I can only blame it on one thing: shame.
I had given into a form of shame-filled depression. I couldn’t really pinpoint the source of the shame, but it was there nonetheless. I felt like I was in shackles. I bought into the lies. I drank the kool-aid. I gave into the enemy’s accusations. I was right where satan wanted me—idle.
I was convinced that there was something especially wrong with me that somehow the Cross wasn’t powerful enough to overcome. I would ask myself “how could God love someone like me?”. I had completely tuned out the Gospel.
For a couple of months, whenever I would think about writing an article, updating the blog, or even sharing my faith with someone, my mind would immediately be directed into the thought pattern of self-disqualification. I was convinced that God didn’t want to use someone like me anymore. I had blown it one too many times. I was too dirty, and too prone to sin. I was at the point of doubting my sonship and adoption into His family.
I should have expected to shift into that mindset, though. It comes with the territory of neglecting private time and communion with the Father. I was so distracted with the stress of every-day life that Jesus took a back seat in my mind. Prayer was the first to go, then devotional and bible reading. Since I was convinced that I wasn’t authentic in my Christianity, what was the use? A fake Christian doesn’t need those things. A fake Christian only needs to portray needing those things to others.
However, a fake Christian doesn’t long to be justified. Only a true child of God longs for communion with Him. I longed for that, but I had convinced myself that the Gospel was true for everyone— except for me.
Embracing shame and guilt after repentance is like telling Jesus ‘Your death on the cross wasn’t enough to pay for my sins. I’ll pay the rest of it.’” – Dale Partridge
The empty seat at the table
Like the parable of the prodigal son, I wanted to return to my Father. Though the son had squandered his inheritance, there was still room for him at his father’s table. As 1 John 1:9 proclaims, the same is true for our heavenly Father. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” If you are battling shame, one of the enemy’s most crippling weapons, I want to remind you that there is still room for you at the Father’s table. Our ability to overcome shame and guilt over sin is blood-bought. If we believe in the Gospel, we have to believe in that.
Don’t spend another minute under the enemy’s foot. Repent and be free. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1